Updated: Jun 2, 2023
If you were blindsided by a separation, a divorce, or trying to save your marriage, or if you’re a coach, counselor, or therapist & you have clients that are in this predicament, then here are tips we’ve used to help our clients align to new solutions…
In this video, we cover:
Micro changes that you can make to achieve much better results.
How patterns are formed in our relationships that cause our greatest saboteurs,
And, how to resolve it with these powerful steps.
If you’re going through a separation, divorce, heartbreak, or experiencing a relationship transition… or have clients that are, we’ll share quick tips to offer you hope & solutions. We have advanced steps to help you work through these challenges, whether for yourself or your clients— that we are going to cover…
Let’s begin with our blind-spots!
How do they initially form? Can you identify any unmet needs, or what you perceived were voids from your youth? Such as lacking love and affection from a parent the way it was desired, whether it was quality time or positive words of affirmation?
When a child seeks love, comfort, or protection during difficult times (often from a parent or primary caretaker) and perceives those needs as not being met, they may potentially feel unloved in those instances. This forms a pattern in our subconscious programming into adulthood as a void of something unfulfilled or “lacking”. Not feeling good enough is the belief that unconsciously causes us to feel undeserving or unworthy of love, in which many fears are centered, from former imprinted experiences of not feeling adequately loved or having our emotional needs met, regardless of whether the parents did their best to adequately meet the child's needs in that instance.
Most commonly, these unfulfilled needs are then - unwittingly transferred to a partner or spouse, because it’s a familiar pattern. This parent-child pattern transfer then places the expectation on our partner to meet that need for us or fill the void in the attempt to deepen the feelings of worth and validation. This often results in our common love language of how one either felt loved, or possibly, ways they didn’t feel loved due to these “unmet needs”, therefore it becomes sought from a spouse or romantic partner, which becomes an evident pattern in significant relationships. Interestingly, we can actually receive love in all forms once we address the perceived void.
For instance, if a child believed s/he lacks the attention and quality time from the parent that s/he was seeking love and validation from, then it’s probable that filling this void is still evident within his/her primary relationships today that presents as insecurities such as neediness or codependent behaviors, and in more severe cases, a fear of separation or abandonment. Moreover, the individual will hope that a partner will meet this need and fill an emotional emptiness or void - that was originally desired from the parent, if left unfulfilled.
Consequently, this leads us to believe that the power is outside of our control and in the hands of another, and that the significant other must come equipped with an innate quality of meeting this need instead of addressing this void - or even, past trauma.
Here’s how we can address the trauma or perceived void:
Look for any emotional or behavioral patterns you might have.
Do you have any patterns of abandonment in your relationships, such as past experience of neglect, separation, or loss that left you feeling alone or causing you to abandon others before they could leave you?
Do you also have a tendency to seek love or companionship where it is unavailable?
We generally choose our partners (unconsciously) based on a particular way we either felt loved or did not feel adequately loved by our parents (i.e. lacking emotional support) from familiar parent-child patterns, thereby creating our subsequent love languages from familiar patterns.
It could be self-sabotage from past conditioning, which can be reprogrammed once awareness is gained to course-correct. Perceived voids lead to patterns of self-defeat and are often the greatest cause of all our sabotaging behaviors. However, these patterns can be recoded…
And, this method causes us to operate from fear within relationships, which works to our disadvantage because it subjects us to depending on others and allows fear - instead of love, to win every time. These perceived voids persist throughout our life, seeking to compensate for the feeling of lack from the perception of receiving inadequate love, validation, or attention, and inadvertently finding ways to fill the void indefinitely - whether it’s a lack of financial resources, health and vitality, joy and freedom, love and respect, and so forth. We often feel deprived (sometimes chronically), and in turn seek to compensate for this lack, perpetuating it until it is re-patterned.
This will cause unhealthy coping and escaping behaviors through codependency or other compulsive or addictive behaviors. The void often escalates to an imbalance within us, particularly within partnership dynamics and primary relationships, creating cycles of power struggle and unhealthy entanglements, until we are able to break the pattern internally, and no longer resist the feeling of lack or need.
Refer to the 7 step PANACEA system to recode these inherent patterns.